The Life of a Ken Doll

With the help of a mysterious wizard I threatened with a gun, I was able to locate and decipher parts of a journal once held by a Ken doll. This is the story of his life:

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...went to work for about two minutes, during which I made buzzing noises. Then I went home and got mashed against Work-Out Barbie while making weird noises apparently representative of kissing. I then remained on the floor for eight days, during which time I contemplated death...

...married again today, this time to Cool Times Barbie again. The pants are ridiculous, but otherwise she's alright. The ceremony was attended by six and a half purple ponies, two bears, and all the other Barbies, which is strange since I've also been married to them multiple times too. The bears are supposed to be my best men, not that they've ever said a word to me. Come to think of it, none of the other toys have. I think they're dicks...

...whose parents I'm guessing doesn't have one of those parental control filters on the cable box tried to explain the sexual act today. Ice Capades Barbie and I got stripped of all our clothes and got banged together in some sort of semblance of intercourse, until she gave up. Apparently, the problem is that "this plastic toy doesn't have balls". Which begs two questions: "Where the hell are this girl's parents" and "What the f-"?...

...hard to conceptualize. I suppose if I were to really try to explain the confusion I'm feeling right now, I'd have to tell a story. Imagine a deaf man who has been deaf all his life, yet does not know this. He has never met a person in his life, and lives in a cave always watching a shadow of a shadow against projected against a wall. Then, one day, a bunch of people come down into his cave riding an elephant that might be like a tree, a snake, a rope, or a very rough wall, and give him a melty watch. The people then proceed to talk amongst himself. The deaf man, still holding the watch that is now a gooey puddle of the persistence of memory sees their lips moving and is confused by what he sees. Then, the people turn to him and hand him a piece of paper with the handwritten message "You have no penis".

I am that guy.