My World (Is a shitty album)

A little searching on Youtube got me all the research material I need for this post. I realized that most of Justin Bieber's songs are about heartbreak and rejection, even before he got famous, which really makes me wonder: How is Justin Bieber getting so much action that he has "a favorite girl" out of "all the girls he's ever known"?

Another gem: "How many bags you'd packed" from the song One Less Lonely Girl. "How many bags you'd packed"? Really? You're singing about a 15-year old girl, not a tired, lonely woman rejected once too many times. The last time she had to pack was probably deciding what to bring on her next Disney World trip.

^Absolutely not.

Anyways, all of his songs are generic pop/R&B mixes that I can hardly believe a 16-year old guy sang. The voice sounds girly enough to be something R. Kelly would listen to. While urinating on pre-teen girls. Have fun with that image, folks.

Then I got to that Baby song I know half the lyrics too, despite the fact that I've never listened to the entire song, ever. I'm pretty sure a wise man living in the mountains taking a vow of silence knows the lyrics to this song by now, but here it is anyways. Go look up the music video yourself, I have no intention of increasing its number of viewers.

Okay, really? Most of the time in a bowling alley I'm trying to figure out why I suck so much without using those bumpers on the side. You're really going to stage a song about heartbreak and rejection in a place that smells like feet while flirting with random video girls?

"Oh whooaooaooohohoh x3"

Great, it's like listening to Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake, and the Jonas Brothers all over again. Except I can't remember for the life of me what happened to them when 2010 came along.

"I thought you'd always always be mine"

Wait, so according to this music video, you've known her for five minutes, and you're already singing about how you want her forever.

It goes pretty much how you'd expect it to go until after the 3rd chorus when I'm struck by the blandest rap I've ever heard. It's basically some guy talking fast into a mic while the theme of Baby goes on in the background. And much to my surprise, the rapper is Ludacris, the guy whose "Red Light District" album introduced me to rap, along with Eminem and D12. Way to keep it street, buddy.

So essentially, Justin Bieber is a clingy teenage boy with a voice that sounds like someone's puberty needs a jump start. I can understand that his music is popular, sure, but Vanilla Ice was popular, and look where it got him.

The Beatles were popular too, and you never saw an army of teenage girl-

Okay, fine, but Elvis was popular, and he never had women swarm-

My Chemical Romance is still big, but they don't have massive amounts of Youtube comments talking about how hot-

Aw, dammit!

Announcement: Posts About Justin Bieber

Seeing this really made me think. I mean, I know I'm supposed to hate Justin Bieber and everything he does, otherwise I'm not allowed to be funny on the internet anymore, but why?

I know that when the clock chimes twelve times at the end of the year on midnight eve, the fairy godmother's magic will expire and Justin Bieber's career will transform back into the five mice and a pumpkin they once were, leaving only a couple of transparent albums behind as the last trace of what was once a billion dollar franchise (does anyone remember the Jonas Brothers?), but what compels me to type that giant run-on sentence and publish it on my four-reader blog?

So to find out, I've decided to pretend to be a pre-teen/middle-aged cougar and become a Justin Bieber fan. But only little by little.

Wouldn't want to have to go shopping for skirts.

I am exhausted

Hi all

I planned to write this moderately lengthy post about me driving, but I am a busy person so basically my dad gave me a 30-minute lesson on signalling left turns a few weeks ago. I don't plan to get my license until I'm 18ish.

Anyways, the past 2-3 weeks has been pretty dreadful towards my health; I've been practicing until 12, 1am to make up for lost time during my disability (tendonitis) period whilst still maintaining an A in bio (not as easy as it sounds!). I will depart for my first music camp tomorrow, and I want to make a terrific impression on the teachers there (doubtful). Speaking of which, I need to gogo practice nowww.

Oh, if you want, follow me on Twitter! (https://twitter.com/falseyellow) I will make you jealous of how much I'm enjoying the beautiful deciduous forest biome of the East Coast. (My Twitter acc. is now private btw; I don't want everyone on the webs to know exactly where I am..)

Hope you guys are having a more restful summer than I am!

http://www.joystiq.com/2008/10/07/halo-player-used-as-political-smear

And that's a... bad thing?

The Life of a Ken Doll

With the help of a mysterious wizard I threatened with a gun, I was able to locate and decipher parts of a journal once held by a Ken doll. This is the story of his life:

____

...went to work for about two minutes, during which I made buzzing noises. Then I went home and got mashed against Work-Out Barbie while making weird noises apparently representative of kissing. I then remained on the floor for eight days, during which time I contemplated death...

...married again today, this time to Cool Times Barbie again. The pants are ridiculous, but otherwise she's alright. The ceremony was attended by six and a half purple ponies, two bears, and all the other Barbies, which is strange since I've also been married to them multiple times too. The bears are supposed to be my best men, not that they've ever said a word to me. Come to think of it, none of the other toys have. I think they're dicks...

...whose parents I'm guessing doesn't have one of those parental control filters on the cable box tried to explain the sexual act today. Ice Capades Barbie and I got stripped of all our clothes and got banged together in some sort of semblance of intercourse, until she gave up. Apparently, the problem is that "this plastic toy doesn't have balls". Which begs two questions: "Where the hell are this girl's parents" and "What the f-"?...

...hard to conceptualize. I suppose if I were to really try to explain the confusion I'm feeling right now, I'd have to tell a story. Imagine a deaf man who has been deaf all his life, yet does not know this. He has never met a person in his life, and lives in a cave always watching a shadow of a shadow against projected against a wall. Then, one day, a bunch of people come down into his cave riding an elephant that might be like a tree, a snake, a rope, or a very rough wall, and give him a melty watch. The people then proceed to talk amongst himself. The deaf man, still holding the watch that is now a gooey puddle of the persistence of memory sees their lips moving and is confused by what he sees. Then, the people turn to him and hand him a piece of paper with the handwritten message "You have no penis".

I am that guy.

With apologies to the awesome aspects of Jesus (all of them)

" Didn't we have some fun though? Remember when the platform was sliding into the fire pit and I said 'Goodbye' and you were like 'NO WAY!', and then I was all 'We pretended we were going to murder you'? That was great! "